Saturday, October 15, 2011

October15.com

october15.com
Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day here in the US.
Today I hold a special place in my heart for all the parents around the world who have lost a child. After birth or prior to birth, it is still a loss of your child and still something that you should never have to go through alone.

Mikey and I lost our baby in March. Though we were not far enough along for others to feel like we lost a child, to us, we did. We were far enough along to love that baby. To be excited. For me to feel morning sickness. We had not told anyone about our pregnancy, and it wasn't until after the miscarriage that we told our family. It was hard. I was devastated. I can never in my whole life forget that moment. The visits to the Dr. The phone calls with the mid wife. The pain. But from that I have grown. I understand the loss of a child prior to birth. I now have a very special place in my heart that I never had before. If you have not experienced it, you don't truly understand.

The miscarriage was especially hard for me. For many reasons.
The pregnancy was not planned, so we had the shock and then the excitement and then the loss.
We had not been married long, so when we miscarried and were stuck with the thousands of dollars in bills, it was hard. It still is hard. Most people get a child with the bills, so while you may be stressed about money and payment plans, you still have a sweet baby cradled in your arms. We are still paying for the Dr. visits and it has been very hard being reminded of our loss and having to pay so much every month. You just want it to end, but it doesn't.
Another hard but very exciting thing was that during the painful week I was miscarrying, my awesome sister in law and her husband shared with all of us the news that they were expecting too! With in weeks of our due date. While I was so happy for them (they have gone through a lot as well) it was very hard for me to smile and hug them and express my true happiness for them while I was standing there bleeding, and having contractions. Your hormone levels are up and down for weeks after a miscarriage too, so I know that didn't help. I love them so much, and I already love their sweet little baby girl, who is expected to arrive any day now! I can hardly stand it.
As excited as I am for her though, there is still just a little but of pain in the special place in my heart. My Mom who has had many miscarriages, and my aunt who has lost a baby at 4 months, have both said, that as hard as it is for you to accept, the pain will never go away. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you love the other person or their child any less, it is just there to remind you of your own child. To appreciate their love for their baby, and be happy for them. For their family.
And I am.

So while my miscarriage was hard, all miscarriages are hard. Any loss is hard. I have written before about comparing the loss of a child prior to birth and a loss of a child after birth, and it cannot be done. They are very different.

So today I think of the mothers who have lost a child post birth, and for those who have miscarried, like myself. My prayers go out to you on this important day. Don't try to hide your feelings today, if you are feeling like a good cry, let today be the day, because today is all about you and your child that is in heaven, watching out for you, wanting you to be at peace.
I am thankful that we have this day dedicated to parents who have experienced grief and are suffering, because it is never ending. I have not written and have barely talked about my miscarriage, and today I am able to. Today I feel like it is okay to. I don't like to because I know that it was supposed to happen, that Michael and I are still very young and have not been married a whole year yet, and that maybe it was for the best, and when I talk about it, I am just whining. But that is ok. I should feel sad sometimes, and I can feel okay that Heavenly Father took my baby for a reason. Today, I can think about my baby.

Tomorrow Mikey and I will celebrate our one year anniversary.
We have made it a whole year. Congratulations, babe!
We have already experienced so much together. We have learned so much about life, and have made so many memories. I cannot wait for what lies ahead. I am so lucky to be going through life with you. Let's make the best of it.
"Adventure is out there."


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2 comments:

Small Stones said...

My sweet sister, I am thinking of you today. I am so sorry for your loss, and I ache for your Mommy Heart. I know it is little consolation, but Taiger loves you so much, and I hope you know that even though you do not have a little one in your arms, you have many little ones who hold YOU in their hearts. I wish I could say or do something to help you feel better. :( But just know that I love you.

The Lamoreauxs said...

We love you Bryttan! I'm so sorry for your loss and think about it often. I know I can't ever possibly understand, but I love you and am here for you any time. :)