Death Log

Stomach aching...vision blurry....this has happened once before.


The First Time:


It was a nice summer day outside, birds were chirping, people were laughing. I sat inside on my couch as I usually do on hot summer days, lounging around, browsing the internet. As I was perusing I happened upon a certain item, the name of which was, "The Bacon Explosion".

Now, do not let the name fool you, this was no mere meat creation with Bacon. This was a 4 LB log of instant death. I looked upon this log with horror, knowing not what human would be capable of creating such a monstrosity. But with every shaking bone, my heart still yearned to make it. Every feeling I had told me not to mess with such power, but alas, I could not stop myself.

With a burst from my lungs I screamed "JUSTIN GET IN HERE", and he galloped in briskly. I slowly turned my computer, showing him the picture of what was surely going to be our death. The grin that came upon his face, though boyish, was exactly what I needed to know. We had both accepted the challenge to create this beast.

We went to work at once, creating a list of the ingredients needed and making sure our grill was prepped and dishes cleaned. The instructions were easy enough to follow, 2Lbs of Bacon, 2Lbs of Italian Sausage, 1 Jar of BBQ Sauce, and 1 Jar of BBQ Rub.

When we returned from the grocer and entered into our home, we both noticed the ill omen that seemed to hang in the very air around us. But alas, we had to press further, so close we were to experiencing this horridity.

We began at once, laying down each thickly sliced piece of bacon into a 6X6 weave. We covered it with our chosen BBQ Rub. The next part, is almost to horrid to speak of, but we had to. We covered the weave with 2 lbs of Italian Sausage pressing it into a brick shape. Surely by now you are thinking we might turn back, that this madness will not continue, I am sorry to say, that we did not stop here, it continued.

We fried up the rest of the bacon, which was about a pound and a half, this was then broken into pieces and laid in the center of the meat square. It was then covered with yet another layer of BBQ Rub. The entire creation is then rolled into a gigantic log of artery clogging, diabetes causing death. It is then smothered in more BBQ Rub, and sent off to the grill to smoke for hours.

Hours passed, and we could not imagine the horror that awaited us inside the grill. We opened the lid, and there it lay, the horrible deadly log. We tested the temperature and unlucky for us, it was done. We pulled it from its cooker, and brought it inside where we sliced a slice for each.

We looked upon this simple slice of meat, not knowing what it truly was, we were naive and we know that now. We took a bite, and instantly our bodies collapsed. Every bite got me closer to the grave. The fat, the grease, the calories, are too much for any body to handle. Our vision narrowed, our hearts slowed, the very room began to spin.

I've never been as close to death as I was on that day. So why, pray-tell, did we do it again you must ask? I give you

The Second Time:
Over half a year has passed since our last encounter with the Bacon Explosion, the effects of which will be with us until the day we die. But yet, it seems our thoughts continued to drift to..what if we put this in the middle, or what if we used this sauce, or this rub. And finally, it began time to try it again.

I don't know what madness drove me to it, I don't know if I was half asleep but I agreed to create the Bacon Explosion once more. This time, we were going to make it better, put cheese in the middle, do a tighter bacon weave, whatever it took.

It began, as before, with the Bacon Weave of death, followed by the 2lbs of italian sausage, the bacon in the middle, but then! We added cheese, lots of cheese into the middle, we then began the first stage of rolling:

Followed by the second stage of rolling:

Then it was smothered in rub:

Finally it was baked. After 3-4 hours, it was done, we pulled it out, smothered it in BBQ Sauce, and this is what we ended up with:

4 Pounds of Meat and cheese rolled up into a log of death. It was just as terrifying as the last time, and we were both only able to eat a slice.

That is the story of the Bacon Explosion. I hope you learn from my mistakes.